Ep. #09 How to discipline your child without yelling or spanking.

Ep. #09 How to discipline your child without yelling or spanking.

As parents, we only wish to raise well-disciplined kids. No one likes an ill-mannered child with unruly behaviour. In an attempt to achieve that, we mix and match different types of discipline techniques that do not involve yelling or spanking. they are usually the ones, we have either been bought up with or have learnt from personal experience. 

Hi everyone and welcome to Doctormommyspeaks parenting podcast. Today’s episode is for all those parents who are struggling to discipline their young child.

Many new discipline techniques keep arising, but the basic principle behind them remains more or less inspired by 5 basic techniques. Let me list them down for you. 

  • Positive Discipline
  • Gentle Discipline
  • Emotion Coaching
  • Behaviour Modification
  • Boundary-Based Discipline 

Shownotes:

whether you are a parent to toddlers or teens, discipline forms the basics of healthy family life for any household. Children are smart and quick learners. They figure out things from the tone of your voice and the expression of your face. So before starting with any technique the most important thing is to internalize it yourself. Say it in your mind that “i am going to use only Praise and encouragement for any misbehaviour that my child does today”. Or I will redirect his behaviour whenever he acts out.

1. Positive Discipline technique

So in this technique, there are no punishments or consequences.
It is primarily based on praise and encouragement. The aim of this is to turn every moment of defiance or disobedience into a teachable one. It’s not to show the child the consequences of wrongdoing but rather help him learn and understand why his actions or behaviours were wrong.

This technique goes a long way in laying the foundation of a strongly disciplined life.

But let me tell you this. It needs persistence. Children repeat the same behaviours even after hearing a long lecture on why it’s wrong. But that’s just their nature. They want to test our limits.

With this prior knowledge, if you try and instil discipline in a positive way, you are sure to succeed in a few attempts. The reason why I can say this with such surety is that children can be conditioned the way we want. We only need to do it consistently. 

2. Gentle discipline technique. 

It focuses on preventing problems from occurring. And in this technique redirection is used to turn the kids away from bad behaviour. This technique concentrates most on one thing and that is there has to be no shaming for the misbehaviour. Instead, parents can work upon it with the child as to why the misbehaviour or disobedience was done. They use humour or distraction to steer the child away from bad behaviour. 

no yelling method of spanking

3. Behaviour Modification 

This is an amazing technique that concentrates on the child’s behaviour not only when he is bad or commits a mistake but also when he has been good. 

This is done by showing the child positive and negative consequences of his behaviour. It is a highly successful technique and it is a huge driving force to help children to grow. 

Here’s how you do it 

I have said this many times in my previous episodes, whenever you are spending time with your child make it memorable and worthwhile by turning each moment into a teachable one. 

how to discipline a toddler

If a child has been good, say he’s shared his toys or went to nap time without a fuss then make use of this opportunity and praise him for his good behaviour. 

If the child misbehaves like snatches a toy or refuses to do his homework then negative consequences are given in the form of loss of privileges but no punitive action is taken. You can deny your child video games for a day or no movie time

4. Emotional coaching 

This might sound like a huge concept but trust me if you and your child work on this, then it will help your child become an emotionally stable adult.

To put it in simpler terms emotional coaching helps teach kids to use their words instead of behaviours to express how they feel. Here’s an eg. If your child is building a block tower and it breaks, and in a fit of anger and frustration, he throws a tantrum. 

In such a situation you are supposed to help him word his emotions. 

how to discipline a tween

Phrases matter the most here- you can say something like- Are you angry that your tower broke down, it’s ok to be angry? You can build a stronger one next time. 

The aim of this technique is to teach your kids that feelings like anger, frustration, sadness are okay and parents help teach them appropriate ways to deal with their emotions.

5. Boundary based discipline

This is a very common form of discipline technique used in many households. i am sure unconsciously you would be using it too.

In this technique, if you find any behaviour that is inappropriate and you wish to correct it then you sit your child down and talk to him about it but in  a very clear and succinct way 

Explain to him the exact behaviour/action that you found inappropriate and next you set a limit or a boundary that if crossed then the child will have to face the consequences.

5 discipline techniques you must know in 2020

Tell them in detail about what those consequences would be. And let the child experience it and learn from his mistakes. This kind of discipline technique sounds pretty easy, it requires very little effort from the parent side and most importantly the baton is transferred to the child. 

Now he decides how to behave depending upon his logical reasoning and how his experience was, with the consequence, he might or might not repeat the behaviour.

Again a word of caution here there are two kinds of consequences given – logical consequences or natural consequences.

It can be tough to let your child make a poor choice. But, letting your child make a mistake can teach an important lesson if you allow her to face the natural consequences that result from her decision.  Here are a few eg.’s

Allow a 12-year-old to spend his money as soon as he earns it. The natural consequence is that he’ll run out of money and won’t be able to buy anything else that he wants.

disciplining your child

Or let your child step out in the cold when it’s chilly without a sweater. Of Course when it’s not too cold. The natural consequence would be, he would feel cold and he would not forget to wear his sweater the next time.

So that was all about basic discipline techniques and I am sure by now you can decide on what and how you want to discipline your child.

Whatever you choose, do not choose punishment or punitive techniques. They will work quickly and your child won’t repeat that behaviour again. But it will also teach him to not get caught very easily and such children are usually the ones who find out amazing ways to escape punishments that you can marvel at.

Resources:

For more parenting-related issues like how to handle teens in this pandemic or raising kids in a digital world, ADHD you can visit my podcast – Doctormommyspeaks Parenting Podcast. listen and subscribe using your favourite app.


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This blog is written for Blog Chatter’s “MyFriendAlexa” blogging challenge 2020 

This Post Has 55 Comments

  1. Anmol Raut

    Loved this!

  2. Thank you so much for explaining these concepts in detail. I will listen to the podcast to know more . #tmmreads

  3. Jyoti Jha

    Spanking children to discipline them has been an ugly trait embedded in our system, and it really needs to be eradicated.
    You have pointed out some very effective alternatives to this resolve. Emotional coaching is extremely essential for raising smart and confident children.
    Very well penned.

    1. Sweetannu

      I realised that spanking kids can never be the solution while disciplining young kids. The techniques you have suggested are way far better while raising a happy and healthy child.

  4. Kiranmayi G

    Wonderful article! A change in attitude we need from parents in our country.

  5. Pr@Gun

    A great post as sometimes parents loose control and start yelling or spanking kids without realizing the after effects.
    Positive and gentle parenting is must and that too consistently as you said. Emotional coaching is learning both ways when parents find kids emotional understanding and vice versa too.

  6. Lancelot Quadras

    Well spanking has been used as the go-to method for a very long time. But using boundary based and emotional technique, there’s a chance that children will understand what’s good and what’s bad!

  7. Metamorphosis

    These are some great tips to discipline your child without yelling or spanking them… This is what positive parenting is all about

  8. Manas Mukul

    This is a must read. I wish there was such awareness around this topic when we were kids. Atleast it would have saved us from some beating. Great pointers and really well presented. Keep the good work going mam.

    #MyFriendAlexa #ContemplationOfaJoker #Jokerophilia

  9. Roma

    I agree we can discipline our children with love too. Overall I really loved your ideas

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      Oh Thankyou so much for the link
      I will definitely check it out. I am a staunch Advocate of positive parenting techniques. For me its not just a fancy word but a behavior technique that we live by. And no resource is too much when it comes to parenting

  10. Pooja Priyamvada

    Such a useful post parents often are at sea when discipline related issue happen

  11. pythoroshan

    My first time here. Loved the blogpost (very relevant) but also totally loved the layout of the blog itself… keep up the good work.

  12. A very thought out article. Emotional coaching as pointed out is really essential to be integrated into parenting method as soon as possible . Rest all methods are imimportant as well

  13. It’s not that we aren’t aware of this techniques, but we keep forgetting them.. thank you reminding them and making things easier.

  14. Fantastic post especially since there is an enormous wave favouring positive parenting. Thank you for sharing such wonderful tips and the podcast. I visited your blog for the first time, thanks to MFA, must say that your content is very interesting. Keep writing :).

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      Hey thanks for such motivating words. I am definitely looking forward to seeing you more often

  15. Rashi Roy

    Those are some real valid points made by you. Glad you wrote on this topic. Very well written.

  16. Pratibha

    I am not the spanking mom, but the yelling one! Especially with my twin boys, I tend to flip more than I should.

  17. Dipali Bhasin

    Rearing children requires discipline and inculcating it requires a bit of the above. Great post! Enjoyed the read.

  18. Varsh

    Spanking cannot be a way of disciplining kids. I liked the techniques you suggested here. Definitely some changes I can make with their help.

  19. Ninu Nair

    Genuinely I have been meaning to read on this topic since last few days…As a parent it becomes important to learn more ways of managing child’s anger and discipline them without resorting to a negative behaviour. So really loved reading this post.

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      I am really glad you liked it. Do subscribe to the podcast so you can listen to parenting advice from experts around the world

  20. soniadogra

    Great pointers. Im a mother to a teenager and a pre teen, so yes no spanking there. But I do need a great deal of control when it comes to yelling. Some really relevant and well thought points.

  21. Gunjan Upadhyay

    Absolutely agree with you on these parenting techniques, somehow old parenting ways like yelling or spanking doesnt work on kids nowadays,the alternatives sounds effective

  22. Felicia Nazareth

    One of the main problems with spanking is that it doesn’t teach your child how to behave better. You have written a really wonderful post with very helpful parenting tips. Kids will benefit from learning how to solve their problems, manage their emotions and compromise.

  23. Deepa

    I agree..spanking is not the right way to discipline children. You shared some relevant points. A helpful post for parents.

  24. Persistence and Emotional Coaching sound good ways, at times kids may even behave in a manner they should not as they are seeking the attention of the parent(s). Maybe in this fast paced social and digital world, somewhere we as parents need to realise this and give them more face time and make them feel connected..

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      Absolutely true. I infact follow this in the form of going by their cues but of course, with set boumdaries

  25. Ranjini

    It’s difficult knowing the balance between being liberal and harsh with children. This was a wonderful insight.

  26. Trablogger

    This post shows how kids mind can be conditioned and how we shouldn’t be irresponsible with that huge task!

  27. mahekg

    In the journey of motherhood you are always learning, your post is quite helpful.

  28. sinjanag

    Hitting is certainly not the right way to discipline kids. A child should learn patience from their parents. Thanks for sharing your insights on this.

  29. Paresh Godhwani

    These are such a great techniques to raise children in the right way. I will keep them in mind when i will have my own child.

  30. Very useful you have put very good techniques in simple words. Thanks for writing.

  31. Ruchie

    Thanks for sharing valid points and easy tips I will definitely listen to the podcast

  32. Poonam

    I need this being a mom of an infant. Even when I wasn’t a mom, I am against spanking and cruel punishment for kids. I am trained in counselling and have been reading about children’s behaviour and the baseline is all you have talked on in this post.

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      Thank you so much poonam. Its great that you are taking so much effort to consciously parent your child. I am sure you are doing a great job at it

  33. richamina

    this is a great article it’ll help many mothers in raising their kids. i’m sharing it to spread the knowledge

  34. Sayali

    Really valuable post this one.

  35. yogitaamitjoshi

    You made such crucial topic so simple to understand. Disciplining kids in a right way is very important. I m heading to ur podcast

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      Hey Yogita that was lovely to hear. And Thankyou so much.

      1. Nazish

        I am so glad you shared this ,even though there are two more new blog post enrolled on your blogchattera dashboard but this one caught my eye. I was always brought up a way to not be too emotional or sensitive which in a way have made me pile them within me and also, i dont like when parents be too strict and fill their child with fear, its not the right way and hampers kids emotionally a lot. Thanks a lot for sharing these points.

        1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

          Yes rhe previous generation kids and parents worked in a different way but times are different now. Mindful parenting with conscious efforts is what these kids need.

  36. Jhilmil

    Those are some great tips, as a parent, Emotional coaching is something that plays a significant part

  37. upasna1987

    Thanks for the reminder m being a Mom to 2 kids under 6 I tend to loose my calm.

  38. Geethica

    Patience and persistence are the qualities my children have taught me and I am still learning. You are right when you say that children test our limits. They want check our patience.
    Very detailed and helpful post.

  39. Gurjeet Chhabra

    great tips to teach kids discipline and i will follow them.

  40. Preeti Talwar

    I am a mom to grown teens who belong to gen z and becomes very difficult to discipline. I don’t believe in spanking but yes yelling is there. Your tips are great will have to practice self control as the kids today are more rebellious than we were

  41. Haimanti

    These are some great tips… My son has been going through a lot of mood changes presently and throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat… I have tried to be as patient as possible, talked to him about the different consequences… But now that he is growing up, I feel I need to change my technique and ask him what he feels is going to happen if he keeps on repeating his mistakes…

    1. Dr. Rahat Sayyad

      Yea we constantly need to learn and unlearn our parenting techniques. How old is he?

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